Musings on final result

The final result of CSS-2012 was announced on May 20, 2013. 

It has resulted in ambivalent feelings. Not sure whether I should be happy at what I have achieved amidst such a cut-throat competition or sad at how much better it could still have been.

Although the full picture of the result is yet to emerge, it is clear that I am at least going to get allocated but perhaps not in the top-notch groups. I might end up in OMG or less.

It has been a long journey and one which is still far from over.

My parents are happy that I will no longer be an unemployed man and that I am going to be a CSS officer after all. They must also be feeling a little sorry that mine has not been a stellar performance, something that they could give congratulations for in the family and friends. They don't give me this impression at all. They look reasonably happy, relieved and proud of me. But, somewhere deep down their hearts, they must be sorry too. This is not to detract from the fact that my performance has not been too bad. Considering the fact that my subjects were hugely out of favour with the examiners this year, I wasn't expecting any skies. Having said that, I was expecting better than what it is turning out to be. For fear of being misconstrued as thankless, let me say it clearly that I am not particularly unhappy. To be able to stand at 186 in Pakistan out of first 10066 and then 800, there is surely a lot to be proud of. Moreover, I stand a good chance to get allocated to OMG which is my 5th preference anyway, despite my low-scoring subjects and unprecedented competition in Sindh. Thus, performance is undoubtedly good. The ambivalence, however, is born of the high standards that I set for myself and high expectations that my kith and kin attach to me.  

It was my first attempt and there are two more attempts in which I can make amends for whatever I could not do in my first. I am receiving congratulations from my friends and accepting them with a glee. Heart goes out to many of my friends whose chances of even an allocation are remote if not dead. 
Despite my moments of skepticism, I am a believer to the core. And I thank God for the good result and for giving me something to cheer about. 

I hope when the full picture emerges, it turns out to be even better than what I imagine it to be. The result has also shown that I can do it and do it big the next time so the hard work will continue.