It begins to shed...

 

And it begins to shed.

Everything;

Exuberance, Idealism, self-assuredness, and even hair.

And you realize that it is that time in your life,

when;

You are neither too old nor too young,

Neither a failure nor a success,

Neither inspiring nor inspired.

And it continues to shed.

Everything;

Patience, anticipation, self-esteem and even hair.

And you realize that it is that time in your life,

When;

Promises have already come apart,

Metaphors have lost all meaning,

Spring is just a season,

Dawn is the name of newspaper only,

And when the wait is over and the ‘Godot’ didn’t arrive.

27th

So it was my 27th birthday yesterday. I mark my birthday by writing a blog about it. I have been doing it since past few years so it has become kind of a tradition.  Last year, my 27th, has easily been the liveliest and the busiest for me. It brought an end to the prolonged fossilization. It opened a window into a different world, accompanied by a welter of experiences. Yet, I am not going to write much about it. Do not feel like it. Yesterday, on my birthday that is, I finished reading a book by voltaire. It is his classic 'Candide'. Its message, moral, can be summed up in its character Martin's following lines: 

"We must work without arguing. That is the only way to make life bearable."

These lines ring very true at this point in time in my life. Thus, on my 27th birthday, I adopt these lines as my motto and move forward.

CTP has ended...

CTP is over. I could not write here during my stay at CSA. It is a happening place and one does not get the leisure to take to blogging. CSA has thrown my way a welter of experiences. I find it hard, however, to crystallize them into a coherent blog. Too many  images cascade in front of my eyes when I look back at the not-so-distant days of my Common Training Programme. Country Study Tour and Military Attachment can be argued to be the highlights of the training. And yet, one cannot detract from the everyday experiences at the academy ranging from extension lectures and debates, presentations, syndicate work and community work to cultural nights, club activities and sporting events. And moreover, the hostel is a world unto itself and its range of experiences often borders on craziness.  To cut a long and interesting story short and dull, for I seem to have lost the knack of keep writing effortlessly, suffice it to say that they don't lie when they say, "ONE LIFE, ONE CTP" 

Notes from CSA, Lahore

So here we are. It has been really long since I last wrote here. And I had already intimated about it here in my last posts. The last time I wrote here I was in Karachi and living a different life. Now, I am in Lahore and with a different kind of existence. So much has happened in the intervening past month and there is so much to write home about. And yet, lo and behold, I have not been able to do so. What a pity!

CSA

The schedule here at CSA is a very hectic one. Unnecessarily hectic. CSA is supposed to groom civil servants for the future. But, at times, it feels that there is too much emphasis on the form and too little on substance.A lot of time is spent on trivialities. Nevertheless, there is a lot to learn for a person like me who has not had a very wide range of exposure in life as yet. One gets to meet different people from different backgrounds. One competes and co-operates with them. In such a milieu, one gets to learn about one's strengths and,more importantly, about one's limitations and weaknesses. So the process of learning is under way and, most of the time, at a subliminal level.

Lahore!

Lahore has also been a welcoming city. I have not been able to explore much as yet. Nonetheless, it has impressed me with whatever little I have seen, tasted and observed of Lahore. Lahore has retained its connection with the past. There is a strange, hoary feel to it. Having come from Karachi and having spent good last eight years there, juxtaposing karachi and lahore is inevitable. However, I must wait. I have a lot to explore in both cities to be able to come up with some reasonable comparison. Nevertheless, some observations are in order. The people here in lahore seem more kind and temperate and generous. Whereas, generally, the karachi dwellers are frustrated, angry and short-tempered. Perhaps it has to do with the condition of the city. Poor law and order,coupled with poor transportation and high population, has been the hallmark of city in the recent past which in turn seem to have defined the character of the city and its dwellers.  Lahore, on the other hand, can boast of a relatively good public transportation system and of course a better law and order condition, by far.

Got to go!

I got to go. But before I leave, I must admit that I have not been able to read anything. Yesterday I went to 'Readings' and bought books, a lot of them. I have also brought some eight books with me from karachi. As for studying them ,I don't think I am going to find some time here to do so. Moreover, there is this strange mantra in place here at CSA which says that we are here to enjoy and somehow reading books does not fall into this category. The unnecessarily hectic schedule at CSA too does not allow the probationer to engage in some pleasure reading. Speaking of books and reading, I must mention that I am part of literary club here at CSA and it will of course entail some reading and some writing. Hopefully. Let's see. Good bye till we meet again. Hopefully soon.

Shopping blues...

I have never been a shopping enthusiast. I am a reluctant shopper. Thus, when I was faced with a long and important shopping list for CSA, I hesitated. The past one month has been spent in this terrible task. It is not easy to shop despite the fact that I do not bargain nor window-shop. Although I have almost, yes almost, come to the end of buying, I am still reeling under the weariness caused by it. I do not know if you can relate to it or not, but most of the time,I would go to buy one thing and end up buying something else. On at least two occasions while I had set out to buy myself a few shirts and waistcoats, I came back with nothing but books worth rupees two thousand and three thousand. Besides, there are always these familiar woes of size and fitting and ,intriguingly, you realize them only at home and not at shop when the merchandise is being tried on. Thus, return and exchange follow. I am sure all shoppers must have been through it at one point or another. Or at least I hope it is not peculiar to me. Moreover, if the shopping is prolonged ,as it is in my case, there is an additional reason to feel frustrated. You buy one thing initially but after some time, while you are still working your way up the shopping list,you find its still better version. And you laugh a helpless laugh.

Intangible burdens

It is curious, isn't it? 

Burden of the intangible is invariably heavier. It is so perhaps because it has to do with the mind. Anything that weighs heavily on one's mind takes its toll. Yes, the mind is there to do the thinking. But when it does so ceaselessly, one feels burdened;burdened with the loads of disconnected thoughts and blurred images. How I wish I could tell my mind to switch off for a while, take some rest and begin anew, afresh later. But I know it would be futile. My mind is disobedient. It does not listen to its landlord. Hence, it continues to run. Which is also why I sleep late these days. One can't sleep when the mind is awake, alive and kicking( at times, it feels,even literally so)

 

 

P.S. I have been writing here after a hiatus. And the hiatuses may become more often in the coming days. Busy schedule will keep me from writing my blogs. Let's see.

Reason to smile

Today,I received a phone call from principal of the school where I had taught almost a year and a half back and that too for just two months.She called me today to know if I could join back. She also added that the students still remembered me and spoke highly of me. Obviously, I had to express my regrets for not being able to join back since I am leaving for CSA. Nonetheless, it felt good,really good, to know that one's work is being remembered fondly long after one has left. And yes, I had worked with my heart. It was my first ever job and I had given it everything.Which is why I was expecting to hear back from them. Hard work and sincerity of purpose are some of the basic virtues and when they are recognized, one feels good. Hence, sleeping tonight smilingly.

Good night.