Shopping blues...

I have never been a shopping enthusiast. I am a reluctant shopper. Thus, when I was faced with a long and important shopping list for CSA, I hesitated. The past one month has been spent in this terrible task. It is not easy to shop despite the fact that I do not bargain nor window-shop. Although I have almost, yes almost, come to the end of buying, I am still reeling under the weariness caused by it. I do not know if you can relate to it or not, but most of the time,I would go to buy one thing and end up buying something else. On at least two occasions while I had set out to buy myself a few shirts and waistcoats, I came back with nothing but books worth rupees two thousand and three thousand. Besides, there are always these familiar woes of size and fitting and ,intriguingly, you realize them only at home and not at shop when the merchandise is being tried on. Thus, return and exchange follow. I am sure all shoppers must have been through it at one point or another. Or at least I hope it is not peculiar to me. Moreover, if the shopping is prolonged ,as it is in my case, there is an additional reason to feel frustrated. You buy one thing initially but after some time, while you are still working your way up the shopping list,you find its still better version. And you laugh a helpless laugh.

Intangible burdens

It is curious, isn't it? 

Burden of the intangible is invariably heavier. It is so perhaps because it has to do with the mind. Anything that weighs heavily on one's mind takes its toll. Yes, the mind is there to do the thinking. But when it does so ceaselessly, one feels burdened;burdened with the loads of disconnected thoughts and blurred images. How I wish I could tell my mind to switch off for a while, take some rest and begin anew, afresh later. But I know it would be futile. My mind is disobedient. It does not listen to its landlord. Hence, it continues to run. Which is also why I sleep late these days. One can't sleep when the mind is awake, alive and kicking( at times, it feels,even literally so)

 

 

P.S. I have been writing here after a hiatus. And the hiatuses may become more often in the coming days. Busy schedule will keep me from writing my blogs. Let's see.

Reason to smile

Today,I received a phone call from principal of the school where I had taught almost a year and a half back and that too for just two months.She called me today to know if I could join back. She also added that the students still remembered me and spoke highly of me. Obviously, I had to express my regrets for not being able to join back since I am leaving for CSA. Nonetheless, it felt good,really good, to know that one's work is being remembered fondly long after one has left. And yes, I had worked with my heart. It was my first ever job and I had given it everything.Which is why I was expecting to hear back from them. Hard work and sincerity of purpose are some of the basic virtues and when they are recognized, one feels good. Hence, sleeping tonight smilingly.

Good night.

Progress ?

Ever since I have taken to iphone, I have not been able to read any book. The last book I had read was almost a month ago and it was Beckett's famous play 'Waiting for Godot'. Iphone is a big distraction. True, it overwhelms one with a lot of information. The description of the world as a global village now seems a pre-iphone one. Today, the world is in one's pocket. Yet, there is a big flipside to it. In this flood of information, knowledge has gone missing. Knowledge is about connecting the dots. It is result of a slow, careful sifting of facts, perspectives, observations and experiences. In its absence, large trove of information made easily accessible to us by Wi-Fi connected smart phones is tantamount to the large collection of jig-saw puzzle pieces which refuse to come together to form a coherent picture. Of course, I am going to try and strike a balance. I am going to continue to make use of iphone to remain informed without allowing it to eat into too much of my time and hence prevent me from reading books.

 

P.S. Readying to go to Civil Services Academy for CTP. Preparations are under way, slowly but surely.    

Some disjointed notes

I am tired tonight which is a sort of good news.It means I'll be able to sleep forthwith.Of late, I have been remembering my childhood days more often. Few days back I dug out my album of childhood pictures and showed it to mom & dad.They were amused to see the different poses I had struck for photos & instructed me to keep them safe. Dad too showed me the pictures of his youth and seemed quite boastful about his handsome looks & flamboyance. To be fair to him, he had every reason to brag, for he did look quite impressive in those pictures from yore. I am teaching current affairs at Uqaips these days. I am doing rather well. The students seem to be enjoying the class.The jam-packed class is also helping me to further sharpen my articulation. I have begun to think of myself as an orator. I know this is an illusion. And like many illusions in the past, time will erode this one too. Meanwhile, I have found a familiar face from my childhood in the class at uqaips. I recognized him. The boy used to study in the same school as I. I was many years senior to him. But he now looked completely grown-up with a little stubble.He was a kid when I had last seen him and so was I. Time does fly...good night.

Long walk to freedom....

Mandela's autobiography "Long walk to freedom" is a long, lengthy book. Written mostly in a matter-of-fact manner, the book would not have been as captivating as it is, had it not been so important.Moreover, I might not have brought myself around the idea of reading the book, had it not been for the following two reasons:

One, Mandela is in hospital and, imminently, may breathe his last there. This is a sombre time to remember the man and pay him respects and tributes. Reading Mandela and, in doing so, walking that walk with him is my way of paying homage to the legend.

Two, it is Ramzan and I had the leisure and the quiet of the ramzan nights to be with Mandela, every night till sehri.

Mandela; the name itself has become a by-word for struggle, sacrifice, commitment, sagacity and magnanimity. When I became politically aware, Mandela had already fought his battles and won them, retired from active public life and assumed legendary status of mythical proportions.His name served us the purpose of a ready-example to be used in essays and speeches.His greatness was taken for granted and hence I never really bothered myself with as much as learning about the man behind the legend or his long, torturous journey. This is of course until I read "Long walk to freedom"

Mandela’s journey is not only a journey towards freedom but also towards greatness. His story makes it absolutely clear what it takes to be great in true sense of the word.  And it is not a walk in the park (pun intended). The long walk to freedom is full of supreme sacrifices. It is easy to read and watch the journey from the safe distance and feel awed, inspired and excited with adrenalin pumping and skin breaking into goose-bumps every now and then. It is different and unimaginably difficult, however, to live it. And that is what separates the ordinary from the great.  Mandela is great because he walked that walk unflinchingly and persistently despite innumerable sacrifices, dangers and hardships. What kept him going was not any tangible, concrete physical reality in front of him but an ideal which he could only imagine.

In Mandela’s own eternal words: 

• “During my lifetime I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people. I have fought against white domination and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die”

His sacrifices alone are not what make him great. It is also his sagacity. At different stages of the struggle, it was primarily Mandela, along with some of his like-minded comrades, who adapted it to the changing times. Whether it was about turning ANC into a mass movement or forming a militant organisation or beginning the talks, Mandela always took the initiatives after judging the flow of circumstances and most often correctly. In this sense, Mandela comes across as someone who had his hand firmly placed on the pulse of time, a true sign of a great leader.

‘Long walk to freedom’ can also serve as a text-book and a guide for any freedom fighter. Mandela’s story in many ways represents the stories of freedom fighters treading the uncertain and unsafe path toward their cherished ideal of freedom.

Political prisoners will also find the book and especially its chapter (Robben Island: The dark years) very interesting and relevant.The chapter is obviously about his experiences at Island prison. However, it is also interspersed with many a musing and anecdote about jail life where getting an access to some of the basic things such as cigarettes, newspapers, proper food and clothing, books and information is an adventure unto itself.

In my view, ‘Long walk to freedom’ as opposed to many other autobiographies is not an exercise in self-praise and self-projection. It is honestly written without an attempt to hide and cover-up the inevitable low moments. Its primary purpose is what makes the book important as I mentioned in the beginning. It is to document in great detail one of the most glorious chapters of modern history and that too with the pen of its protagonist.

Also mentioned in the beginning is the fact that the book is mostly written in the matter-of-fact manner. However, it is interlarded with some reflections, truisms and anecdotes. In some passages, Mandela also waxes lyrical.

One example of such a passage is given below: 

• “I love playing with children and chatting with them; it has always been one of the things that make me feel most at peace.I enjoyed relaxing at home, reading quietly, taking in the sweet and savory smells emanating from pots boiling in the kitchen. But I was rarely at home to enjoy these things.”     

And quite befittingly, Mandela waxes lyrical about freedom in the final few pages of the book and I end with the same. 

• “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”  

• “…for to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. The true test of our devotion to freedom is just beginning.”

My 26th birthday..

It is my 26th birthday today. No, I wouldn't react today in the manner I had reacted here two years back.

Instead, I will try and reflect on something more important. Although I am tired and don't feel like writing too much right now, the birthday must not be wasted and it must be marked with some introspection and reflection. After all, it is a milestone.Yet another year of life has ended and not without giving me some food for thought. 26 years are enough,perhaps more than enough,to learn a little about oneself and about one's place in the larger scheme of things. As for the former, I can say a thing and a half but the latter is still an unknown. Yes, it is such a pity that I don't really know what it is that I want from life. I realise that it doesn't suit a grown-up like me to talk in such terms. This crisis of purpose is best suited to someone in his early 20s.By the age of 26, one is supposed to have at least a fair idea of what it is that one has to do, if not already doing it. Thus, nothing to show for 26 years on this count. Nonetheless, it is not all that dismal and empty when it comes to getting to know oneself better. Here too, however, I have learnt more about what does not work for me than what actually does. Hitherto, I have always been waiting for the 'ideal' moment when everything will fall into its place. It looks obviously the wrong approach. Naturally, it never worked for me. Hence, a truism; Don't wait for things to happen.Make them happen.

I have learnt another lesson which is also no revelation and very obvious. It is at times very important to be able to say NO. Hence another truism; When you can't say yes, say NO.
While looking back, it has to be also said that I have not been able to do justice to my capabilities. True, I have won many admirers along the way and received many flattering accolades. Yet, it would not be off the mark to suggest that on many occasions I have let myself down. I need to repose more confidence and trust in myself, at least as much as others have in me.. Let's hope I learn from these lessons. 

P.S. Happy birthday to me :-)